


dive too deep

by orphan_account



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: M/M, i dont know what it is, im better than this, theres mizublue too bc it wouldnt be my fic otherwise, this is literally the fastest thing ive ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 16:36:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2235957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pretty much just Ren POV on a good portion of their lives up to Sly Blue era.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dive too deep

Restraint is good at waiting.

He has been patient for so long now, waiting in the background of their shared mind, that it is almost second nature to stop and close his eyes and make unrealistic promises that soon, someone will find him. It is how he is, but he doesn't know if it is how he began.

He does not know what he is waiting for.

He does not know if it will ever come.

Desire knows he exists.

Desire is the one who comes to see him, wolfish yellow eyes bright in the darkness, face too angular to ever look comforting, but it does not matter because he would never attempt it anyway. He comes to see Restraint, arms folded across his chest, the image of disappointment, but he is there, and that is good enough.

He never says anything, except “Reason's gonna love you.”

Restraint knows who that is, even if he's never met him.

Reason is his cause.

But he doesn't come.

Desire is his only company. He is something of a nightmare in himself, but he keeps the darkness at bay. Restraint is unnerved around him, like Desire goes against the grain of Restraint's core, and he guesses he does. Desire and Restraint may be a team, but they will never be friends. It is unlikely they will ever even be allies.

He does not know if he wants to control Desire or fix him or be close to him. Maybe all three.

“You're the most fucked out of all three of us,” Desire marvels. “Good luck getting out of this one.”

“I'll be fine,” Restraint says, voice raspy and thick.

Desire snorts. “I'm better off than you are, and I'm still totally screwed.”

He sighs, turns to leave. Desire gets bored with him easily these days.

“Have fun with that, Restraint.”

Reason finally comes, and if Desire's presence was comforting, Reason's is blissful.

He looks like a quieter version of Desire. His face is smoother, none of the sharp bones of Desire's, and even his eyes are different. They're amber, darker than Desire's, and the smile that seems to always be on his face makes them even softer.

This is what he was waiting for, he thinks.

Reason holds out a hand, smiles again, and Restraint is weak, but he goes with him.

It is what he is meant to do.

Desire's attitude does not change.

Both of them can tell that Desire is the more privileged one. He has been in the light of their mind's forefront longer than Restraint, and he is the one with the influence.

Reason listens to him.

Restraint says nothing, no matter how much it feels like a knife is twisting into him, because he knows they will not listen.

He is the weaker one, and if he can't do what he is made for, he does not know what.

Reason is much more gentle than Desire.

Strangely, though, not to Desire. Reason is the one who cuts off Desire when his voice is too harsh and his words are beginning to sound more like an assault than directions, and Reason is the one who glares daggers at him while he checks to be sure that Restraint is alright.

Reason is good, he thinks. Reason may be the only one out of all three of them that really is, because he is not obligated to be.

He just is.

He does not want Reason to protect him. He wants to get along with Desire, because something in him calls to go with him rather than resist him, but Desire makes that impossible. Failing that, he'd like to protect Reason and not the other way around, but this is not an option either. Restraint is still easily confused from being in the dark for so long, and he hates to admit it, but he needs Reason.

He always did.

Reason is why he even exists to begin with. But he isn’t supposed to need him like this, and it makes him wince whenever Reason tries to shield him from Desire.

He turns away. Reason does not need to see his weakness.

It is better if he does not.

“Are you happy here?” Reason asks, voice soft and careful.

Restraint does not understand.

“Of course I am,” he says, because it’s true. Anything is better than waiting in the dark again.

Reason crouches next to him, lays a hand on his arm.

“It kinda sucks to be you,” he says, a laugh taking over his words at the end. “If I can help, let me know.”

He ruffles Restraint’s hair, smiling the same way as always, lips curved just slightly upward.

It’s in his eyes, mostly, Restraint thinks. Reason’s eyes are close enough to Desire’s, but he far prefers the former’s. They feel safe.

Desire’s laughter echoes through their mind when Restraint closes his eyes.

“You like him,” Desire realizes, and Restraint can’t see him, but he hears the smile in his voice.

“Of course I do,” Restraint says. “He’s one of us.”

Desire scoffs. “Not like that, you shithead. You’ve got a thing for him.”

“I do not.”

“I’ve seen the way you look at him. Like he’s gonna save the world without even trying, and you’re gonna be his knight in shining armor.”

“I am his protector.”

“You are him.”

“We aren’t.”

Desire laughs. “Yeah, okay. Whatever gets you through it.” He stands up, patting Restraint on the shoulder. “Good luck with that.”

He knows he does not care about Reason that way.

His purpose, as he’s told himself so many times, is keeping Reason safe and Desire in line.

Affection for either one would be counterproductive.

Reason smiles at him when they come back, and even if he wants to ignore it, Restraint feels it like a knife in his chest.

Desire laughs silently, shoulders quaking, and he prods Restraint like a schoolgirl convincing her friend to ask a boy out.

“No,” Restraint whispers.

“Hey, I can’t judge. Do what you want.”

This is not what Restraint wants.

He would not have thought some simple smiles and defense from someone would make him this vulnerable.

As Desire says, he fucked up. He really did.

He is named Restraint, but that is what he lacks.

He is made for holding back himself and others, keeping Reason safe, holding Desire at arms' length. He is here to ensure that no one is hurt, and everything runs on schedule. Reason is a valuable resource, and Restraint is there to keep him alive and untouched.

He was not meant to develop any attachment to him.

This is the only thing he did not do right, but it completely undoes everything he did.

Desire locks him in a war for most of their lives. He is the most volatile of the three, even if possibly the most intelligent. He is not careful. He does whatever seems like a good idea at the time, and Restraint races to cover the damage.

By the time Desire takes over and gains a new name, Restraint is Ren. He had hoped being outside would help. He had hoped that the sacrifice of being away from their mind, the closest thing he had to a home, would pay off somehow. He had hoped that way there was a chance for control.

But this just means that it is easier for Desire to take over and shut him out, and Restraint can do nothing but beg for him to listen and watch Desire's knife of a smile as he pushes him down into a bag and floats off the high of his power.

Desire is the one he should have looked out for.

Restraint does not have a choice in any of this.

Leaving their mind had seemed like such a good idea, but he trusted impulse. He made a split second decision based on what he had, for the first time ever, and it blew up in his face.

Maybe he should stop thinking he is meant to make any choices. He was never supposed to be his own self, anyway. He only exists for Reason and Desire, so why would he get to be anyone besides them?

Because that's what he is. He has lost all hope of independence.

Reason is Aoba. Desire is Sly Blue. Restraint is Ren.

He knows this. He knows that Desire will not respond when he calls him by that name. He knows that before he fell back into the dark, Reason only responded to Aoba. He knows that neither of them will ever call him anything but Ren.

But this is not who they are, and Restraint seems to be the only one who cares.

Desire's five years of control are as close to hell as Restraint will get.

Desire feeds off the sheer unpredictability that Rhyme and living on the streets cause, and the energy he gets runs through Restraint like a lightning strike. It physically hurts him to watch Desire when he rages into a fight without any care of what he's doing, or he makes split second decisions with the sole argument of why not? This is the exact opposite of what Restraint is. There is no compromise like there was with Aoba, only a low laugh whenever he has to resort to pleading to make Desire listen to him.

He knows why Desire is doing this.

He does not know how to tell him he's sorry.

He can never tell what Desire is thinking. He relied on the ability to understand Desire and Reason's thoughts like a sixth sense, and it has been pulled away from him.

When Desire kisses Mizuki, Restraint is in the other room, only able to listen and monitor Desire's (it's not really Restraint's body anymore) stats.

He doesn't even try to tell him it is a bad choice. If it will make Desire happy, then Restraint won't stop him.

He can't. He would not have any influence if he wanted to.

But it's the first time Desire has laughed at something other than insanity or destruction that Restraint can remember, so he lets it go.

Desire leaves without him.

It is a cold night.

He stays awake the whole time.

He wants to see Desire happy. It is good that he is, and it doesn’t matter how.

But without Reason, there is a slightly empty feeling that Restraint can’t shake.

He loves Desire, too, but Desire is not someone who is meant to be loved. He is a wild card, an electric shock, and anything Restraint tries to do for him is misconstrued, anything he says twisted into something unrecognizable.

Desire will not take his help. Desire will not accept that Restraint cares.

He stops trying to make him better, and Restraint begins realizing that what he feels is not essential.

Desire once told him how to fall asleep, so that during long periods of nothingness when he was not needed, he would have something to do other than wait.

Desire was good for that. Desire taught him many things that Restraint needed to know.

But now, when he does need that, he can’t, because Desire is the one who won’t let him back in, who won’t listen to him, who won’t let him help.

He is unsure if Desire knows how badly it hurts him to be useless.

He thought that of all people, he would know.

He thought of the AllMate as a vessel. As a way of waiting for something better to come along. Some way to keep him in control all of the time.

He is learning that he cannot be a part of something without becoming it.

Of all things, he did not think he would end up as a dog, and he never thought he would meld so well with another body.

But none of them were his. Desire and Restraint are parasites. They control the bodies of others. The only way for them to have a chance is to steal someone else’s.

Restraint gave his up. Desire took his and ran.

Restraint is the least human, the least powerful, the least necessary.

He never thought it would be him.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry for everything


End file.
